How To Feel Adequate As a Woman?
It was 1st of march 2010.. I am feeling insecure, nervous & shy, I am attending my first woman circle and the topic is one of which I know very little “ female pleasure”. I don’t experience much pleasure, the opposite, when I am making love I am feeling pain and burning sensations in my yoni, it makes my whole body tense and numb and makes me feel like something is wrong with me.
I am looking around in the circle, I notice I am comparing myself to the other women. They all look more beautiful than me, more shiny than me, and as they are starting to speak, I feel even worse. It looks like they have it all figured out, many of them are sharing with so much clarity about different orgasms that I never even heard of. I actually have never experienced a real orgasm at all with anyone, and I feel like it is something that just is not for me. I feel like the other women are lucky, they don’t seem to have all the struggles that I am having, and I actually feel inadequate as a woman.
At this moment I don’t see that there are other women in the circle, who just like me are experiencing similar pain and challenges in their sexuality. At this point I don’t realise I am not the only one. I feel very caught up in my own story and drama, and don’t even have the capacity to listen to the pain of other women and emphasise with them, all that I am feeling is that I am not good enough, not woman enough and simply not made for Tantra. I don’t even dare to share my struggles in this circle. I feel so many emotions inside of me, I feel like there is a big fog, and I am afraid that I will just burst out in tears as soon as I will try to speak and put it into words.
Little did I know at that time, that a few years later I would be the one sitting in front of hundreds of women, sharing my own story on how I moved from feeling insecure, shy, closed-off, experiencing pain, numbness and burning sensations to feeling empowered in my own body, feeling acceptance of riding the natural ups and downs of my yoni, to feeling a lot of pleasure, openness, sensuality inside of my Yoni.
I had no idea that my healing journey would start right on that day, and that it was the start of a long, slow but steady process towards healing, towards self empowerment and female embodiment.
At the end of the circle, I decided that I could continue to compare myself with them and feel small and inadequate, or I can choose to be inspired, and to do my own work.
It is the evening after the woman circle. I find myself in my own bed, touching myself for the very first time on the inside of my Yoni. This was the first of many times that I wouldn’t only touch myself for healing but also many other women.I am using the instructions the other women gave me to find my own G-spot. I still didn’t feel any pleasure, it was very uncomfortable, but it was the beginning of my discovery of the yoniverse. After 30 minutes of exploring I felt relieved that there was finally less burning sensations than before, there was less pain, and I felt proud of myself that I finally took a step to take responsibility for my own pleasure rather than searching for the prince on the white horse who can heal me and show me what I need.
Today it is so clear to me that I am responsible for my own pleasure, that there is no one out there who can give me an orgasm but myself and how my Yoni reflects, just like a mirror, my own state of being and wellbeing.
A few days after the circle… I made my first appointment for a yoni massage. I was literally shaking in my body, so nervous I was. BUT I felt safe, I felt this is the right thing to do and it was the best gift I could have given to myself at that time. No, it was not easy, not beautiful, not ecstatic, nor graceful. But it was healing, profound and extremely transformative and empowering.
I got my strength back and moved out of victimhood.
Today I stand on my own 2 feet, I share with confidence, clarity and authenticity. I am able to understand the pain of many women and their insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. I walked the path. Today I help them on their path. Helping them to find their own words, their own way.
Yoni massage became not only my own healing tool, but also my path, my own work and passion to support women on their healing journey. Many women ask me often where to start. How to begin?
My Tips to you:
- Find out what you like and dislike in regards to your sexuality. What turns you on? What kind of touch do you like? Start writing your own manual.
- Explore your own yoniverse by touching yourself. How do you feel inside? The front side, the back side, up & down, your cervix, the walls,..
- Share openly with other women, friends. Don’ t hide your pain and struggles. You might get inspired by other women and realise that you are not alone. Learning to accept and to love ourselves, no matter where we’re at. Every step of a journey has its beauty and is too valuable to be missed.
So how to feel adequate as a woman? I invite you to dive in, fully, into YOU by starting to pay attention to these places within your life that could use your loving attention. You deserve it.
Suriya.
